I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
not ubering you a puppy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
