Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
