They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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