If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
