is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
