Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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