is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
