On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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