i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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