i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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