Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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