Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
