I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
