I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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