Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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