Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
