He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
