If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
