You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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