my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
