my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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