You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
