and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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