I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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