i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
