dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
