There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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