wrigley field is MILF paradise
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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