How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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