Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
