I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
