Where is the hickey?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
