Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
