I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
