Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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