I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
