I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
