she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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