All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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