so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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