Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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