1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
