3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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