i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
