I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
