I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
