Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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