my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
