Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
