we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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