I feel great
I just peed on a car
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
