She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I wish there were birth control emojis
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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