why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
