So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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