I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
