Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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