Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
apparently the secret to your success is patron
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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